"John, I do like female pastors, only I do not like the idea of women being pastor."
"Do you know why lady justice has one breast exposed?"
"She is saying: 'Suck my truth!."
Yes, and lady liberty is saying with that: 'I am available!' "
According to the New York Times in a recent issue, an MI6 agent purportedly was fired upon leaking pictures of Trump making out with two prostitutes in a rowdy threesome in a prestigious hotel in Moscow. This was supposed to have happened on a business trip in the last year of Obama's presidency. The agent wanted, he claims, to warn the world that the Russians are holding this over the president's head like a sword of Democles, should he go too far to Putin's liking. We cannot confirm this report, but nothing seems sacred anymore; other than what Trump affirms or denies.
"John, do you first want the bad news or the good news?"
"The bad news, I guess."
"The bad news is that there is no good news and the good news is that there is no bad news."
"Ha, ha, what a lame joke, Fred."
"John, you deposited 204,999.55 into my account, but you promised me that you would deposit 205,000.00. I am a man of principle, you know."
"John, I tell you, I believe in a strict separation of Church and State. We should not only have our own Churches, but our own sports centers next to them and our own schools and Christian universities. We should not only have Christian business organizations, but also our very own Christian hospitals with Christian ethics."
"Yes, Jack and why not then also Christian welfare for our widows and homeless and Christian groups that defend the rights of our workers? And while I am at it. Why not Christian swimming pools with Christian dress codes and Christian money for our very own Christian island state; turn that unrighteous Mammon into a Christian Amnom!"
"You know, Jane," Fred said to his wife, "I am thinking of selling you and do you know why!?"
"I guess you must need the money," she quipped back.
"Yes, because you are worth your weight in gold!!"
Dr. Mechelenburg to the foreigner: "Hello Mr. Mazen, how are we doing today?"
"Not too bad, really. But since I am here, you tell me."
"There seems to be something wrong with the plumbing, I am afraid."
"So Florence Nightingale over there said to my surprise."
"I am afraid she is right. We ran some tests and . . ."
"But they ran some tests two weeks ago and everything was fine. I am paying a lot of money you know and I do not really understand your talk about plumbing. Are you family of the plumbing guy then? "
"I am not just family, I am the plumbing guy, as we seem to call it today."
"But the other day the other doctor said that my tubes were clotted and the water just ran fine and dandy."
"I am afraid not only your tubes are clotted, but there seems to be something wrong with the pump as well."
"The pump? What does that have to do with my passing water?"
"The tubes are the work of the pump guy, I am here for the plumbing, ha, ha, ha."
"What is there to laugh about. I paid 1500 dollars last week for a new pump."
"I am afraid this is going to cost way more, Mr. Mazen."
"Yes, but what does my being in the hospital have to do with the plumbing in my home!?"
"You know, Jack, after my wife left me I had an ad placed in a newspaper with the message 'All women run away from me screaming! Ara YOU willing to try me out...?' "
"I got 100 reactions. 98 Were from homosexuals, 1 from a transsexual and 1 from a bisexual!"
"What a joke, John. It feels good to be heterosexual, isn't it?"
"If you are for the upperdog, you have an inferiority complex. Are you for the underdog, then you have a superiority complex. If you are for none, then you are wise. If you are for both, you are a fool."
"Sorry." "You don't have to say sorry at all, John!" "Sorry."
Recently I was tested by a psychologist. He started out with showing me Rorschach ink stains and every time asked me what I saw in them. I answered him that I saw a dark butterfly in every picture. At a certain moment he took another test booklet and showed me a man and a woman and again asked me 'What do you see?' I answered 'This makes me think of a couple.' At a certain point he shows me squares, triangles, circles, parallelograms and again and again asked me what I thought I saw. Again and again I answered: "I see a beautiful naked woman." After a while he got frustrated and said: "Mr. Bouter, you are sexistic!" And I retorted: "But you show me dirty pictures..."
The Enlightenment began in Paris when the new thinkers started the religion of the mind, reason. Now enlightenment is illuminatio in Latin. This therefore must have been started by the powerful and secret society of the Illuminati. The university of Protestant Oxford had the slogan 'Deus illuminatio mea,' God is my Enlightenment. This was the God of the Masons, who through the Jesuits control all religions. In the highest rank of Masonry they worship Astarte, the mother goddess and Baal. who is really Satan. The most powerful Masons know the secret of the irrational mathematical number of pi. Therefore they control all the world's finances and through those international money flows they control all governments and armies. Uncle Sam is really the code name of Zionism and IS is a code name for Israel. Do you get it? I do....
The Bible teacher: "We are now going to read from one of the letters of the apostle Paul."
Johnny: "Can I have the stamp, sir!?"
Danny to the teacher of second grade elementary, who just explained that animals speak their own language: "Ma'am, is German perhaps the language of germs!?"
"I am stuck already for 57 years to the same guy and he is a real bastard. I can know it, for I am talking about myself!"
"If you masturbate too much the oil in your liver becomes too thick so it cannot go through the little holes to be passed to the gall bladder and then eventually you can die. Also it is possible that your brain produces too much dopamine, a neurotransmitter, and you become insane for the rest of your life. This can happen even at an early age. And as with stress, there are many such illnesses that can ensue from onanism; as they used to call it. This all has been proven by faithful scientists!"
"What is the difference between the intelligence of a monkey and that of an evolutionist, Mark?"
"I have no idea where you are going with this, Fred."
"The monkey has a natural mind, the evolutionist an unnatural one!"
"I was simply appalled yesterday, John. I was desperate and so I opened my bible to be consoled by the first text that would catch my attention, but it said: 'And Judas went and hanged himself.' I had the soul pain of a lifetime and said to myself that this could not apply to me. So I tried again and then it said: 'And thou, go and do likewise...' "
"I don't care a bit what 'apathy' means!"
Husband to wife: "You know, I am the head of the family."
"Yes and I am the neck on which the head turns!"
"Just to remind you," he answers, "the head gives the signals to the neck where to turn."
"Hopefully for you, then, I won't get a stiff neck..."
Husband to wife: "You know, the ol' neighbor across the street suffers from a rare disease called klepto-pyro-pedo-philately!"
"No, you give me the creeps; what is that then!"
"He steals postage stamps from children and burns them!"
"You're kidding me?"
Psychiatrist to patient: "Are you bothered by voices?"
"No, they do not really bother me!"
Says the atheist to the evangelist: "There is no such thing as an absolute given. Everything is relative."
"Are you really sure about this?"
"Darling, you know I just love Russian and French and that I condemn Greek, but do you know what it is in the Chinese way!?"
"I have no idea, baby. Is that all those languages mixed together, maybe?"
"No, I do not know any Chinese!"
"You are crazy!"
"Are you a soldier or an anteater?"
"Of course I am a soldier, you heathen!"
"Hi Rabbi, I heard that you circumcise. Why is it then that you have just a grandfather's clock in your window?"
"What else would you have me put there, my friend!?"
Somebody in the market is selling puppies with the sign 'Reformed Puppies'. Asks a passer-by: "Last week they were Catholic Puppies, how come?"
"Their eyes were opened."
The next week the passer-by is in the market also selling puppies with the sign 'Evangelical Puppies'. Asks the man with the Reformed Puppies: "What's this all about?"
"You see, mine went the same way as yours, but they have learned a few newer tricks."
Two religious psychiatric patients go the local police station and state with impressive faces and theatrical gesticulation: "We are the 2 witnesses from Revelation!"
Says the cop: "What was stolen then?"
"It is red and rushes by at high speed; what is it?"
"A mole on a little red scooter!"
"And how can you tell that there is a mole in your garden?"
"When there is a little red scooter in your garden!"
"That is really funny, Fred."
"Doctor I suffer from hallucinations, fear and paranoia."
"O.K. I'll give you some Haldol, that should help."
A few weeks later the patient returns and says: "You know, doctor, with this Haldol I have the power to stop earthquakes!"
"There have been no earthquakes here at all."
"You see, it works!"
Said the sinner to the Pharisee: "Why do you judge me so harshly, man? Jesus said: 'Do not judge and you will not be judged.'"
And the response was: "I do not judge you, accursed sinner; Jesus condemns you!"
"Do you know, Bill, why I suffer from paranoia and a humongous superiority complex?"
"No idea where you are going with this, Fred."
"Because in an earlier life I was an emperor!"
"Bill, friend, believe it or not, but after 15 years I'm in love again!"
"You don't say, Fred; who is the honored lady?"
"Susan Kowalski from News at Eleven!"
"If I had thought that I could think, I certainly would have thought about it."
"O, I thought that you thought that I thought what you thought that I thought."
"I told you, you should leave thinking up to a horse. It has a bigger head than yours."
One day I was together with my true-love, when one beauty butted in saying to us: "If you are worth a million and your darling one million, then there are three million here."
I answered simply: "Careful with what you want, Evie, or you'll end up being just our housemaid."
Psychiatrist: "You see things that do not exist."
Patient: "No, things that do exist, escape your notice...."
"O my, I am suffering from skin starvation something awful!"
"What the heck is that, Fred!?"
"I have a desperate need to be hugged, Jane...."
"Have you heard about the new RC protection?"
"No, what's that?"
"Do you know what the ultimate form of journalism is!?"
"Asking somebody that is having a heart attack how it feels...."
"Do you want to read these dirty books, Pete!?"
"No, I feel dirty enough already!"
Bobby: "Do you realize that an evolutionist actually should not be gay!?"
"Why is that?"
"Because else evolution cannot really go on!"
Serious pastor's wife: "That these young women refuse to wear a head covering during the Sunday service, just drives me crazy!" Bobby: "Then you turn crazy rather quickly, ma'am!"
Dennis to the evangelist: "You will never be able to convert me!" "Why then, Dennis?" "Because I'm converted already . . ."
Evolutionist to creationist: "Do you really believe then that God created the earth in 7 literal days!?"
"No, in 6!"
"If you say one more time 'Isa hu-Akhbar! (Jesus is great!),' then I will cut your throat and send you straight to hell!"
"O no, you won't, Mustafah; you only would send me straight to paradise!"
God must have at least one enemy, me myself.
"The problem nowadays in the church is that we are apathetic about the truth. We have become lukewarm and do you know what the Lord says about the endtime church that is neither hot nor cold?" the evangelist said. "Who cares!" the response was.
A recently converted junkie sat on a park bench reading the bible. Suddenly he began shouting with joy. A modern pastor next to him asked him what all the commotion was about. "I am just reading that God is so powerful that He led the Israelites through the red sea. That means He can help me as well!" "You know, that particular place of the red sea is only 7 inches deep and a powerful wind had carried the water away," the pastor observed smugly. A little later the junkie started shouting again. "What's it now?" the theologian asked. "Look, the whole Egyptian army drowned in 7 inches of water!"
It takes a lot of love of self to keep arguing that love of self is biblically incorrect! ("Love your fellow man like yourself")
Do you know what was the name of Noah's wife? Joan of Arc!
A rich man received permission from God to take one suitcase with him upon his death. After deliberating whether he would take dollars with him or Swiss money, he decided on a large case with the purest refined gold. At the pearly gate Peter looked surprised and said that it was not permitted to take anything with one. But upon inspecting the suitcase, he observed: "O, this is just pavement material!"
"Mommy, I just made a terrible discovery!" the five year old said with a serious face. "What's that then, deer?" "Uncle Peter must be way too heavy to go to heaven!"
"Do you know what the best way is to commit suicide!" "You creep!" " 'Mortify then your members that are upon earth, fornication, uncleanness, greed (beginning in your thoughts)!' " [See Colossians 3. 5; cf. Rom. 8. 13].
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an agnostic!? Then you get somebody that knocks on your door with a bible in his hand, just stands there, says nothing, and raises his shoulders with a sheepish expression.
Bobby: "I know what language God speaks!" Pastor: "What's that then?" Bobby: "English, 'cause in Genesis 3 God says: 'Adam, where are you?(!)' "
Husband to wife: "You know, Pete is making a bundle selling bibles in the bible belt!" Wife: "How is that possible, he stutters something awful?" Husband: "He asks them whether he should read the first chapter out loud to them!"
Bobby to the devoted Sunday school teacher: "Ma'am, do you know what the he-ass spoke to Balaam?" Teacher: "I don't seem to remember, Bobby." Bobby: "Nothing, it was a she-ass!"
Banker to Christian couple: "So you'll take the 25 year mortgage then?" Wife to husband: "But how can we do this? The pastor says that the Lord can return anytime now?"
"Do you know why all the fish in the ocean are destroyed in the Apocalypse?"
"No, why then?"
"God wants to make sure there will remain nothing fishy around!"