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Joke Archive
Says the atheist to the evangelist: "There is no such thing as an absolute given. Everything is relative.""Are you really sure about this?"
"Absolutely!"
"Darling, you know I just love Russian and French and that I condemn Greek, but do you know what it is in the Chinese way!?""I have no idea, baby. Is that all those languages mixed together, maybe?"
"No, I do not know any Chinese!"
"You are crazy!"
"Are you a soldier or an anteater?""Of course I am a soldier, you heathen!"
"Hi Rabbi, I heard that you circumcise. Why is it then that you have just a grandfather's clock in your window?""What else would you have me put there, my friend!?"
Somebody in the market is selling puppies with the sign 'Reformed Puppies'. Asks a passer-by: "Last week they were Catholic Puppies, how come?""Their eyes were opened."
The next week the passer-by is in the market also selling puppies with the sign 'Evangelical Puppies'. Asks the man with the Reformed Puppies: "What's this all about?"
"You see, mine went the same way as yours, but they have learned a few newer tricks."
Two religious psychiatric patients go the local police station and state with impressive faces and theatrical gesticulation: "We are the 2 witnesses!"Says the cop: "What was stolen then?"
"It is red and rushes by at high speed; what is it?""No idea."
"A mole on a red scooter!"
"Ha, ha."
"And how can you tell that there is a mole in your garden?"
"How then?"
"When there is a red scooter in your garden!"
"That is really funny, Fred."
"Doctor I suffer from hallucinations, fear and paranoia.""O.K. I'll give you some Haldol, that should help."
A few weeks later the patient returns and says: "You know, doctor, with this Haldol I have the power to stop earthquakes!"
"There have been no earthquakes here at all."
"You see, it works!"
Said the sinner to the Pharisee: "Why do you judge me so harshly, man? Jesus said: 'Do not judge and you will not be judged.'"And the response was: "I do not judge you, accursed sinner; Jesus condemns you!"
"Do you know, Bill, why I suffer from paranoia and a humongous superiority complex?""No idea where you are going with this, Fred."
"Because in an earlier life I was an emperor!"
"Bill, friend, believe it or not, but after 15 years I'm in love again!""You don't say, Fred; who is the honored lady?"
"Susan Kowalski from News at Eleven!"
"If I had thought that I could think, I certainly would have thought about it.""Oh, I thought that you thought that I thought what you thought that I thought."
"I told you, you should leave thinking up to a horse. It has a bigger head than yours."
One day I was together with my true-love, when one beauty butted in saying to us: "If you are worth a million and your darling one million, then there are three million here."I answered simply: "Careful with what you want, Evie, or you'll end up being just our housemaid."
Psychiatrist: "You see things that do not exist."Patient: "No, things that do exist, escape your notice...."
"O my, I am suffering from skin starvation something aweful!""What the heck is that, Fred!?"
"I have a desparate need to be hugged, Jane...."
"Have you heard about the new RC protection?""No, what's that?"
"Romish Condem(n)s...."
"Do you know what the ultimate form of journalism is!?""No."
"Asking somebody that is having a heart attack how it feels...."
"Do you want to read these dirty books, Pete!?""No, I feel dirty enough already!"
Bobby: "Do you realize that an evolutionist actually should not be gay!?" "Why is that?""Because else evolution cannot really go on!"
Serious pastor's wife: "That these young women refuse to wear a head covering during the Sunday service, just drives me crazy!" Bobby: "Then you turn crazy rather quickly, ma'am!"
Dennis to the evangelist: "You will never be able to convert me!" "Why then, Dennis?" "Because I'm converted already . . ."
Evolutionist to creationist: "Do you really believe then that God created the earth in 7 literal days!?"
"No, in 6!"
"If you say one more time 'Isa hu-Akhbar! (Jesus is great!),' then I will cut your throat and send you straight to hell!"
"O no, you won't, Mustafah; you only would send me straight to paradise!"
God must have at least one enemy, me myself.
"The problem nowadays in the church is that we are apathetic about the truth. We have become lukewarm and do you know what the Lord says about the endtime church that is neither hot nor cold?" the evangelist said. "Who cares!" the response was.
A recently converted junkie sat on a park bench reading the bible. Suddenly he began shouting with joy. A modern pastor next to him asked him what all the commotion was about. "I am just reading that God is so powerful that He led the Israelites through the red sea. That means He can help me as well!" "You know, that particular place of the red sea is only 7 inches deep and a powerful wind had carried the water away," the pastor observed smugly. A little later the junkie started shouting again. "What's it now?" the theologian asked. "Look, the whole Egyptian army drowned in 7 inches of water!"
It takes a lot of love of self to keep arguing that love of self is biblically incorrect!
Do you know what was the name of Noah's wife? Joan of Arc!
A rich man received permission from God to take one suitcase with him upon his death. After deliberating whether he would take dollars with him or Suiss money, he decided on a large case with the purest refined gold. At the pearly gate Peter looked surprised and said that it was not permitted to take anything with one. But upon inspecting the suitcase, he observed: "O, this is just pavement material!"
"Mommy, I just made a terrible discovery!" the five year old said with a serious face. "What's that then, deer?" "Uncle Peter must be way too heavy to go to heaven!"
"Do you know what the best way is to commit suicide!" "You creep!" " 'Mortify then your members that are upon earth, fornication, uncleanness, greed (beginning in your thoughts)!' " [See Colossians 3. 5; cf. Rom. 8. 13].
What do you get when you cross a Jehovah's Witness with an agnostic!? Then you get somebody that knocks on your door with a bible in his hand, just stands there, says nothing, and raises his shoulders with a sheepish expression.
Bobby: "I know what language God speaks!" Pastor: "What's that then?" Bobby: "English, 'cause in Genesis 3 God says: 'Adam, where are you?(!)' "
Husband to wife: "You know, Pete is making a bundle selling bibles in the bible belt!" Wife: "How is that possible, he stutters something aweful?" Husband: "He asks them whether he should read the first chapter out loud to them!"
Bobby to the devoted Sunday school teacher: "Ma'am, do you know what the he-ass spoke to Balaam?" Teacher: "I don't seem to remember, Bobby." Bobby: "Nothing, it was a she-ass!"
Banker to Christian couple: "So you'll take the 25 year mortgage then?" Wife to husband: "But how can we do this? The pastor says that the Lord can return anytime now?"
"Do you know why all the fish in the ocean are destroyed in the Apocalypse?"
"No, why then?"
"God wants to make sure there will remain nothing fishy around!"
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